2006-03-15 - 1:50 a.m.

It's been a long time since this diary was updated and for good reason - the three of us had either moved on to other blogs, or just stopped blogging. However, I find myself unable to sleep and thinking of things of the past, and so I return here.

My wife is asleep (that rules one of the Dreamwarders out). There's something comforting about the gentle breathing in and out of the person you love. I'm sitting in bed and typing this on my laptop in the dark so please forgive any spelling errors. I'm typing this and listening to my wife sleep and contemplating what might have been, and what might be, and what will be, and whether there is a difference.

It struck me this evening how powerful our decisions are. How greatly they affect our lives and the lives of those around us. It also stuck me how much of a long game we play, and how hard it is to keep to a coherent strategy or plan or even a coherent anything from month to month and year to year. Let me try to explain.

For those who do or don't watch the West Wing, Josh and Donna kissed tonight. Or at least they kissed on Sunday night, or rather Bradley and Janel kissed some time in february while they were filming the 13th episode of the 7th season which, ironically, is called "The Cold". Or maybe it's not ironic given what happens. Regardless, Josh and Donna kissed. Josh and Donna who were getting flirty with each other before I'd even met my wife. Josh and Donna who I was introduced to about the same time I started seeing my wife on a regular basis. Josh and Donna who my wife and I watched and discussed and mooned over while my wife was still my girlfriend.

Our decisions in life affect us in such monumentally huge ways. Why then, are we not paralysed with fear several times every day. Why then, do we not feel that crushing weight of responsibility at all times?

When Bradley Whitford and Janel Moloney started playing Josh and Donna, they didn't know each other. Their on-screen chemistry, however, turned Donna's character from an occasional extra into a major character over the course of several seasons. The two actors have become good friends now. How weird must it have been, therefore, to stand in front of each other after 7 years of scenes with high sexual tension, 7 years of friendship as actors, and know that they were about to kiss for the first time.

My wife is still asleep. This is good because she has to get up early.

We started watching the West Wing together 3 years ago, soon after we started going out. We've watched it religiously ever since. Josh and Donna are special to us - in some ways their relationship mirrors ours (not in all ways I should point out). There is no way in hell either of us could have known that our relationship could of ended in marriage - it nearly didn't happen at all! I can trace the start of our relationship back to a couple of casual decisions. It was never planned to go like this. Sort of like Aaron Sorkin never planned for Josh to fall in love with the assistant character he'd written in. It just sort of... happened. But somewhere, there was a decision, or a chain of decisions, that got Janel Maloney a fatter pay check, made her a star of TV movies, built up Bradley Whitford's part, and got two actors to become good friends and, ultimately, stand in front of each other after seven years and be about to kiss each other for the first time.

My point? We are only ever a decision away from saying "I do".